Rock & Roll – The Miracle Diet

Here’s an interesting story I heard today. It’s about Claire Richards, who was one of the blonde chicks out of Steps. 

Steps were one of the biggest pop acts of the ’90s. They toured the world, sold over 15 million records and achieved 14 consecutive Top 5 singles – a feat equalled only by The Beatles.

Then, one day, the band broke up.

And Claire Richards got fat.

Really. Bloody. Fat.

She went from a Size 8 to a Size 20 in just a few months. Astonishing, you might think, although when you sit on the same couch for five years eating McDonalds and crying, it’s amazing how easily you can pile on the pounds. 

Turns out that, very admirably, she turned her life around by sticking rigidly to a balanced diet and a structured exercise regime. All credit to her – and hoorah that the idea of Steps reforming one day for a reunion tour hasn’t been jeopardised.

However, reading Claire’s story fostered inside of me a very disturbing thought.

Are The Lightyears keeping me thin?

If we were to split up tomorrow, would I balloon out like a fatty-bom-batty? Would I lose all control and start binging on oil sandwiches and lard pavlovas?

The solution is obvious. I have to keep this band together, at all costs. Even if it means swallowing my pride and agreeing with everything the other guys say. “Yes, Tony, it’s true – animals do have feelings”. “Yes, George, I realise now that you’re right – it really is hilarious in The West Wing when they make jokes about federal co-operative legislation”. I simply can’t afford to encourage any arguments. My arteries depend on it.

So. Hmmmm. If I get fat, will you guys still buy my 2013 solo album, 10,000 Pianos?

Of course you will.

You wouldn’t abandon me just because I need a Stannah Stairlift to get out of bed…

Would you?