“Where the hell are my lemon-scented towels…?!”

10 October 2012

The LYs supporting the Mystery Jets at the Barfly.We supported the Mystery Jets a few years ago, and I remember being struck by their quirky backstage rider. As I documented in my tour diary of the experience, the Jets memorably demanded that a clutch of hot roast chickens be delivered to their dressing room before the performance, along with assorted crudités and of course the customary crate of Moet & Chandon.

This actually led me to imagine what our own fantasy rider would be when we eventually got to play Wembley Stadium, and it looked something like this:

– 2 eggcups of freshly distilled Peruvian mountain spring water faintly infused with the tears of a virgin
– A copy of 80s robot-comedy Short Circuit on VHS
– Clippings from Des Lynam’s beard
– A bag of eels
– 1 metric ton of paprika Snack-A-Jacks
– A 10-foot high decorative tapestry depicting the Norman invasion of Ireland in 1169 made from Faberge Eggs and snowflakes
– A box of damp otters
– Chesney Hawkes
– A speedboat

As turns out, we actually did play Wembley the following year – four times – but, true to form for The Lightyears, instead of acting like proper rockstars and demanding a wheelbarrow full of live squid (or similar), we were actually just really polite and said ‘a few sandwiches might be nice, but please don’t trouble yourselves’. Classic.

While we’re on this subject, NME recently published a list of the 40 strangest rockstar rider requests. Here are some of my favourites:

Marilyn Manson: a bald, toothless hooker and a bag of gummi bears
Eminem: a wooden pond for his koi carp
J-Lo: demanded that her coffee was to be stirred anticlockwise
Led Zeppelin: an iron and an ironing board
Lily Allen: 12 packets of Monster Munch
Motley Crue: a submachine gun and a 12-foot boa constrictor

What a bunch of mentalists.

ps. Here’s our behind-the-scenes video from the Mystery Jets gig: