chris martin

I wish people would slag us off more often

Today I found myself reading an article on the NME website that conscientiously archived all the best and most vicious put-downs in music (only in the NME, right?) – because there’s nothing more entertaining than egotistical rockstars slagging each other off.

This got me thinking about how being trashed by people is kind of a badge of honour in rock ‘n’ roll and, in fact, about how disappointed I am with the paltry number of put-downs The Lightyears have attracted in our careers so far (and if that isn’t an invitation to internet trolls, I’m not sure what is).

I suppose there was the time the London Metro wrote us a bit of a dud review after the INDY Awards and said we looked like McFly wearing The Libertines’ old stage outfits – but then, that might have been worth getting all worked up over had it not been basically entirely true.

Oh, and I was subjected to a fairly vicious attack in the LYs comments section back in 2010 when one of our songs was being used on a T-Mobile advert and some poor chap, infuriated by the ubiquity of the ad, let leash with something along the lines of ‘I hope you end up under a bus, you floppy-haired wanker’. I wrote him a witty riposte (eruditely correcting his grammar, obviously) and, lo and behold, the bugger came back the next day and apologised. That’s not supposed to happen on the internet! That’s the whole point, you can say what you want and there aren’t any consequences (well, unless you’re Daniel Thomas).

And while we’re on the subject of the T-Mobile song, I recently learned that ‘Come With Me’ popped up on the stereo in a hospital operating theatre earlier this year and, a minute or two into the song, the surgeon – looking up from (as I imagine it) the gaping chasm of some poor fella’s mutilated bowels – commented: ‘They sound like S Club 7 on speed’. Again – not really rude, ‘cos it’s basically true.

Anyhow, I thought I’d save you a bit of time and cherry-pick the five best insults from the NME’s list (expletives coming up, folks – cover the little ones’ ears):

Bono on Chris Martin:
“[He’s] a completely dysfunctional character and a cretin. But he happens to be a great melodist.”
– Wins points for… being so polite.

Johnny Borrell on The Kooks:
“That record is the most horrible thing I’ve ever heard. It sounds like the band are literally rolling over, sticking their arse in the air and begging Radio 1 to f*ck them.”
– Wins points for… Hello, Kettle? This is Pot. You’re black.

Paul Weller on Freddie Mercury:
“He said he wanted to bring ballet to the working classes. What a c*nt.”
– Wins points for… succinctness. And if only you had half Freddie’s talent, Paul, you might have got away with it.

Liam Gallagher on Radiohead’s album ‘The King Of Limbs’:
“Them writing a song about a f*cking tree? Give me a f*cking break! A thousand year old tree? Go f*ck yourself!”
– Wins points for… sheer idiocy.

Noel Gallagher on The Kaiser Chiefs:
“I did drugs for 18 years and I never got that bad as to say, ‘You know what? I think the Kaiser Chiefs are brilliant.'”
– Wins points for… the opposite reason to his brother.

Always stay one step of Coldplay…

When it comes to Coldplay and The Lightyears, it turns out that dodgy early band names (us: “4ever”; them: “Pectoralz”), a piano-playing Chris and a hardline policy of firing any members who use hard drugs aren’t the only things we have in common.

Yesterday it was announced on MTV that the world-conquering four-piece will be releasing a comic book series to accompany their recent album Mylo Xyloto. The story will be based on the eponymous, Manga-inspired character that the band created ahead of releasing the album last year, and follows the young warrior Mylo as he fights on the front line of a war in the mysterious world of Silencia.

Thing is, chaps-out-of-Coldplay, I don’t want to start one of those Detroit rap-battle feuds by slinging mud at you (imagine that: “My degree’s better than yours, Buckland” / “Pipe down Russell, you can’t even pull off a basic home-made hummus” etc), but we nailed the comic thing years back. Anyone who’s been following us for a while will remember The Lightyears Comic Strip, a classic three-box affair in which we went all Charlie Brown Peanuts on your asses. As a special treat, here’s a wee reminder of some of our cartoon adventures:

With a comic strip in the bag, it was only inevitable that at some point we would go the whole hog and write a novel. I’m working on getting the thing published as we speak; in the meantime, check out my brand-new readings at www.ProjectLightyears.com.

The Things We Do For The Queen

When asked to perform an a cappella, barbershop-inspired medley of classic British seaside songs, most indie-rock bands would respond in the following manner: “Are you crazy? Of course not. We are enigmatic, sexual beings. We are totemic idols for the baying masses. We want to be revered the world over for our raw, lithe magnetism. Never would we jeopardise the integrity of our reputation with such foolish and trivial japery.”  

The Lightyears, on the other hand, responded something like this: “YIPPEEEEEE!”

And so it was that, two weeks ago in Seoul, South Korea, we found ourselves performing barbershop versions of “Summer Holiday”, “Beautiful Briny Sea” and “I Do Like To Be Beside The Seaside” in front of the British Ambassador and over 500 esteemed guests at The Queen’s Birthday Ball dressed in red and white striped blazers, bow ties and boaters. It was quite a spectacle. Expect it to turn up on YouTube sometime in the coming weeks and possibly threaten our entire future in the fickle arena of rock and roll.

Mind you, Chris Martin once said said that “Rock and roll is doing what you want” – and we certainly wanted to do this. It wasn’t easy, but not even the constant threat of nuclear armageddon could throw us off our course. 

Funnily enough, when we arrived home we discovered that, as is so often his habit, Ben Folds had beaten us to it on this occasion. His recent release, entitled “University A Cappella”, features many of his best-loved songs performed live by college a cappella troupes. Very interesting stuff, especially if you’re already a BF fan. Read about it here. 

And as for us, prancing about in foreign countries dressed up like a cross between Dick Van Dyke and a stick of rock, well, on that matter I have but one thing left to say… Integrity? Schmintegrity.

Sometimes you’ve just got to slap on a candy-striped boater and make like it’s 1924.