nicki minaj

What would you do with £148 million…?

The lucky winner of last Friday’s EuroMillions lottery, Adrian Bayford, netted nearly 150 million quid – and has announced he’d love to spend some of that money re-uniting the original line-up of Guns ‘N’ Roses.

I think this is brilliant. It would never happen of course (the original members probably don’t need the cash and, quite simply, all hate Axl just a bit too much), but I love the fact that he came up with the idea in the first place. Most lottery winners come out in the press with the usual ‘I’ll buy a new house for my parents, and maybe start a charity’ spiel, but Bayford’s just gone straight for the bonkers, and I think he should be lauded for that. If more people with absurd fortunes started spending their money on ridiculously pointlessly wonderful things, the world would probably be a happier place.

So my question to you folks is this – what mad thing would you with 150 mill?

Taking Adrian Bayford’s musical pipe-dream as an inspiration, I’ve come up with my top three Mental Things I Would Do With A Gigantic Fortune:

1) Build my very own Keyboard Roller-Coaster for use at gigs. You know, for solos and that. Time for a solo, get on the coaster. Boom.
2) Hire legendary film composer John Williams for a month and get him to soundtrack everything I do with an epic string section.
3) Pay Nicki Minaj to stop. Just that – stop. I don’t care how much money it takes, as long as she stops.

Sarcasm is the lowest form of twit

Razor-tongued folk balladeer Frank Turner has raised the ire of Nicki Minaj‘s fanbase by openly criticising her on Twitter for selfish and idiotic behaviour backstage at T In The Park. Apparently, after turning up late, she demonstrated a complete lack of respect for the tech crew and then crashed onto stage in a huff only to mime the entire thing anyway.

Franky T is one of my favourite songwriters so he’d have my support anyway, but good on him for taking a stand (you can read Frank’s personal blog about the incident by clicking here). There’s no place for divas in music anymore, it’s not the 80s.

Anyway, if you’re looking for a source of endless amusement, carry out a Twitter search for @fthc and have a little sift through the backlash from Minaj’s army of seething, hormonal followers. Here are some highlights:

Harry O’Toole
@NICKIMINAJ fans are the best and there is so many shes more known better singer than @fthc

Romandelux
@fthc BITCH stfu I kno my ARTIST Nicki wasnt disrespectful until yall showed yall asses now f*ck out my mentions TRICK

And my personal favourite…

TimbabweSyed
@fthc F*K U U HAS NO TALENT NICKI HAS ALL TALENT U CANT RITE YOUR A ASSDICK

Now then. To describe these Tweeters as semi-literate would, to be frank (no pun intended), be a little insulting to the semi-literate. At least the semi-literate are halfway there. Romandelux, on the other hand (by the way, what is that – posh Italian loo-roll?), wouldn’t know what a sentence was if it punched him in the face, and there’s so much irony in the accusation ‘U CANT RITE’ that I think I might actually pass out.

Oh, and Ms Minaj, if you happen to be reading, please relinquish some of The Talent. It’s not fair to hoard all of it. The Wanted are practically starving over here.

But anyhow, all that nonsense aside… it’s amazing isn’t it, Twitter? It has this unique light-the-blue-touch-paper quality to it that’s strangely irresistible. You can cause chaos with just a few casual words slung from your smartphone, and this got me thinking – if I was going to incite Twitter riot, how would I do it? Here are some ideas.

1. @beyonce Actually Miss Knowles, I am ready for your jelly. Because I BLOODY LOVE jelly.
2. @kelis Your milkshake brought me and several other boys to the yard and, when we got there, there was not only no milkshake but we were stuck in a yard. #falseadvertising
3. @tinietempah Apparently you’ve got so many clothes that you keep them at your aunt’s house. Don’t get me wrong, I’m impressed, but I really don’t think you’ve thought this through. #underpantsemergency

I’d never really send any of them, of course. I’m far too nice. #actuallyscared