the libertines

I wish people would slag us off more often

Today I found myself reading an article on the NME website that conscientiously archived all the best and most vicious put-downs in music (only in the NME, right?) – because there’s nothing more entertaining than egotistical rockstars slagging each other off.

This got me thinking about how being trashed by people is kind of a badge of honour in rock ‘n’ roll and, in fact, about how disappointed I am with the paltry number of put-downs The Lightyears have attracted in our careers so far (and if that isn’t an invitation to internet trolls, I’m not sure what is).

I suppose there was the time the London Metro wrote us a bit of a dud review after the INDY Awards and said we looked like McFly wearing The Libertines’ old stage outfits – but then, that might have been worth getting all worked up over had it not been basically entirely true.

Oh, and I was subjected to a fairly vicious attack in the LYs comments section back in 2010 when one of our songs was being used on a T-Mobile advert and some poor chap, infuriated by the ubiquity of the ad, let leash with something along the lines of ‘I hope you end up under a bus, you floppy-haired wanker’. I wrote him a witty riposte (eruditely correcting his grammar, obviously) and, lo and behold, the bugger came back the next day and apologised. That’s not supposed to happen on the internet! That’s the whole point, you can say what you want and there aren’t any consequences (well, unless you’re Daniel Thomas).

And while we’re on the subject of the T-Mobile song, I recently learned that ‘Come With Me’ popped up on the stereo in a hospital operating theatre earlier this year and, a minute or two into the song, the surgeon – looking up from (as I imagine it) the gaping chasm of some poor fella’s mutilated bowels – commented: ‘They sound like S Club 7 on speed’. Again – not really rude, ‘cos it’s basically true.

Anyhow, I thought I’d save you a bit of time and cherry-pick the five best insults from the NME’s list (expletives coming up, folks – cover the little ones’ ears):

Bono on Chris Martin:
“[He’s] a completely dysfunctional character and a cretin. But he happens to be a great melodist.”
– Wins points for… being so polite.

Johnny Borrell on The Kooks:
“That record is the most horrible thing I’ve ever heard. It sounds like the band are literally rolling over, sticking their arse in the air and begging Radio 1 to f*ck them.”
– Wins points for… Hello, Kettle? This is Pot. You’re black.

Paul Weller on Freddie Mercury:
“He said he wanted to bring ballet to the working classes. What a c*nt.”
– Wins points for… succinctness. And if only you had half Freddie’s talent, Paul, you might have got away with it.

Liam Gallagher on Radiohead’s album ‘The King Of Limbs’:
“Them writing a song about a f*cking tree? Give me a f*cking break! A thousand year old tree? Go f*ck yourself!”
– Wins points for… sheer idiocy.

Noel Gallagher on The Kaiser Chiefs:
“I did drugs for 18 years and I never got that bad as to say, ‘You know what? I think the Kaiser Chiefs are brilliant.'”
– Wins points for… the opposite reason to his brother.

My very own Rock Supergroup

Writing consecutive blogs about Guns N Roses and Michael Jackson has got me thinking about my rock supergroup. To be taken seriously in muso circles, every self-respecting, self-aggrandising rock fan should have their own supergroup, just as they really ought to be able to reel off their Top Five “Track One Side Ones”*** on request.

I’ll cut to the chase. Whilst I’m on the subject of MJ and GnR, the King Of Pop (circa 1987) would take on vocal duties whilst Slash would provide lead guitar. As tempted as I would be to include Axl in the line-up as well, I believe that supergroup regulations forbid any two members to have come from the same original band and, in any case, you can’t have two frontmen. Well, unless you’re The Beatles. Or The Libertines. Anyhow, I digress. Since the band would OBVIOUSLY be piano-led, I’d have to employ Jerry Lee Lewis on the ivories and have Ben Folds waiting in the wings to fill his shoes when the inevitable happens. Tim Commerford from Rage Against The Machine would play bass and Zeppelin‘s John Bonham (resurrected) would be my stick-man.

And so, I hear you cry, what kind of music would this pure pop/hard rock/hip-hop metal fusion/50s throwback leviathan pump out? Well, exactly that – heavy riffing, face-melting, boogie woogie hook-laden pop with wicked dance moves.

And I shall call them “Dangerous Killing In The Name Of A Whole Lotta Shakin’ Goin’ On Heaven’s Door” (yes, it works).

Coming to a stadium near you.

Chris Lightyear

ps. please do comment back with your own supergroups and we’ll see if we can out-do each other like Top Trumps.

*** “Black Dog” from Led Zeppelin IV, “Taxman” from Revolver, “Jackson Cannery” from Ben Folds Five, “La Breeze” from Simian’s We Are Your Friends and “Slam” from Pendulum’s Hold Your Colour (if you discount the 53-second opening prelude, which for these purposes I do)